12 Reasons Why You Should Never Ever Consider Moving to New Jersey

Hey there, future mover! Before you start imagining yourself enjoying the best of both worlds—beaches and cities, mountains and marshlands—let me stop you right there. Here are 12 completely valid (and not at all exaggerated) reasons why you should think twice about making New Jersey your new home.

Traffic Nightmares

If you’re not a fan of bumper-to-bumper traffic, New Jersey’s infamous road congestion, especially on the Garden State Parkway and the Turnpike, will have you questioning your life choices every rush hour.

The Jersey Shore Reality

If you’re not into crowded beaches and boardwalks, the real Jersey Shore—complete with sunburned tourists, loud music, and aggressive seagulls—might leave you longing for a private beach somewhere else.

High Cost of Living

If you’re not prepared to pay a premium, New Jersey’s high property taxes, insurance rates, and general cost of living will make you feel like your wallet’s been put through a shredder.

Pumping Your Own Gas? Forget About It!

If you enjoy the simple pleasure of pumping your own gas, New Jersey’s ban on self-service will leave you twiddling your thumbs while someone else does it for you—whether you like it or not.

Pothole Paradise

If you value smooth driving, New Jersey’s pothole-riddled roads will have you dodging craters like an obstacle course, testing your car’s suspension on a daily basis.

“What Exit?”

If you hate being asked repetitive questions, get ready for everyone you meet to inquire, “What exit?” as if your entire identity is tied to your proximity to a highway off-ramp.

Property Taxes Through the Roof

If you’re looking for affordable home ownership, New Jersey’s sky-high property taxes will have you second-guessing your decision to buy, as each tax bill arrives with a gut punch.

Extreme Weather

If you’re not a fan of weather extremes, New Jersey’s hot, humid summers and cold, snowy winters will keep you in a constant state of meteorological whiplash.

The Smell of Industry

If you love fresh air, the industrial areas of North Jersey—with their mix of chemical plants, refineries, and traffic fumes—will leave you reminiscing about the smell of clean, untainted air.

Jughandle Jams

If you’re used to normal left turns, New Jersey’s infamous jughandles (those weird right turns to go left) will have you navigating the roads like a confused tourist every time you drive.

Crowded Everywhere

If you like your space, New Jersey’s dense population and urban sprawl will have you feeling like there’s no escaping the crowds, whether you’re at the mall, the beach, or the park.

“Central Jersey” Debate

If you’re not into endless debates, New Jersey’s ongoing argument over whether “Central Jersey” even exists will have you rolling your eyes as locals fiercely defend their regional pride.

So, there you have it. Twelve ironclad reasons to keep New Jersey off your relocation list. Sure, it might sound like a place with beautiful beaches, vibrant cities, and easy access to New York and Philadelphia, but don’t be fooled by the allure. Stick to your less crowded, less taxed, and more straightforward environments, and leave New Jersey to those who don’t mind a little traffic, a lot of tolls, and the occasional jughandle jam.